Moleskine Entry #14: Measuring Up on My Happiness Scale

Sadly, I lost my Moleskine a few weeks before my family’s move. I don’t like dumping my personal thoughts and feelings in non-designated notebooks because I have two sisters and a Holy Ghost filled mother so having my stuff snooped through is inevitable. Recently I wrote something pathetic about my boyfriend on a loose-leaf sheet of paper; mom found it.
Ironically, putting an entry on the internet seems like a less embarrassing alternative, especially since it shall be a watered down version of what I would usually write. I quite like my dignity.

What if mom has my Moleskine? I’d rather not think that possibility into existence.

This is an entry about my fight to keep a smile on my face. I was a giggly baby, then I learned what life was like around age 13. I spent the next 5 years in a very dark place, created by my own mind. It took me too long to realise how I was causing mental, emotional, and physical self harm.

The past couple of years I read my Bible on finding happiness and becoming spiritually sound, subscribing to self help YouTube channels, reading blogs late into the night on advice to fix myself. I actually did find answers, but I wanted to be in misery. I didn’t want to fix myself because that was supposed to be a man’s job, according to the hundreds of trashy chick-lits I’ve consumed.

I don’t read those anymore. I’ve learned the hard way that what you consume is what you produce.

After taking on a better half, I realised I had such strong feelings for him that I wanted to give him the best version of me I could. The way you love others is a reflection of how you love yourself, thus I began my journey to loving myself, even when I really didn’t want to.

So? What am I doing differently?

  • I used to label myself as depressed and be stuck in bed for weeks. Now I force myself to go out into the sun and ride my bike. I don’t resent it at all!
  • I used to think I was so butt ugly. Now when I look in the mirror and I look rough, I flash a cute grin at myself. I’m in love with my smile.
  • I don’t meditate on negative thoughts anymore. I think blessings and positivity into existence. I see bungalows and turquoise water in my future!
  • I’m nicer to others. It forces me to smile at them and I really like smiling.

I’m on a better path of course. I still have things to work on, namely eating better and exercising, but I’m taking this one step at a time. Next step is to buy myself a new Moleskine and a nice fountain pen.

Peace & God bless,

saarta.

Measure

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